Phallusophia: a clever portmanteau I thought up but doesn't really have to do with the following blog but I wanted to use anyway.

Well, now it’s time for me to be philosophical. I think I got a tad too serious last entry. Being serious is something I don’t like, mainly because it starts to make you wrong, and being wrong is for suckers. Let me use philosophy as an example to prove this point.

Anytime a philosopher starts to make a comprehensive philosophical system, at some point he runs into some little wrinkle that screws everything up. The brave ones handle this by coming up with some weird explanation that starts to make their philosophy seem silly. For example, Plato was of the opinion that unborn babies knew everything in the universe, and that throwing a sheet over constituted formal clothes. The cowardly just ignore it.

This is why it’s much better to constantly speak in satire. No one can ever know for sure what your opinion is, and therefore you can’t ever be wrong. There’s another group of philosophers who can’t be wrong, for the sake of convenience I’m going to refer to them as “Bitches.” These are the ones that talk about how everything is unknowable, or nothings real, or like everything is what we make it. These people are never wrong because they never really say anything. But eventually most of them get bored of this because all the other philosophers make fun of them and give them wedgies. So, at some point, philosophers move from being bitches to being wrong. Case in point: Descartes.

Descartes was of the opinion that the entire world, as he perceived it, might have been fabricated by an evil demon or something. Since his senses could be deceived, such as hallucinations or dreams, how could he know if any of it was real? How could he know if he was real? So after much misery and whining, instead of doing what most of us would do (jumping off a tall building) he came up with an axiom to try and prove his own existence. Cogito Ergo Sum, which roughly translates as: “Raisin Double Coupon Sale.” “I think, therefore I am” has also been submitted as a possible translation. And while this makes sense, as I’d tend to agree that existing is a prerequisite to thinking, how can we be sure? I mean I’d also tend to agree that 2+2=4. And I’d also agree that 248725 / 2324 + 98 * 3509 = 36803808.2831. But the fact of matter is, if I did that problem in my head instead of using my handy dandy computer calculator, I’d probably come up with the wrong answer. If you’ve ever done a math or logic problem and come up with a wrong answer, then you can’t trust your reason any more than you can trust your senses if you’ve ever seen something that wasn’t there.

So, that’s why Descartes should have tried suicide instead of rationally trying to establish the existence of the world. Well that’s it for today’s entry. Oh, and if you see anything above, and you think it’s wrong, it’s actually just my incredibly keen sense of satire.