Previously on Blogst

Alright, so next up on the lesson plan is me getting all cranky and shouting about how stupid people are. I’ve spent the last five hours locked in my pantry (where else can you be locked up and snack?) listening to Lewis Black tapes and reading Maddox rants, just to get me in the mood. So without further ado, here’s why everyone is stupid.

…

Honestly? I’ve no idea. It might have something to do with the fact that only about a third of the population is capable of formal operational thought, and that third only thinks that way a fraction of the time. Might have something to do with the fact that as our standard of intelligence in society goes up, so does our standard of stupidity and thereby we’ll always perceive such a level of stupidity. But those answers are dumb and stupid, and stupidly dumb. The reason we’re retarded as a species is because of all the time we’ve spent with our heads pressed up against the microwave watching our Spaghetti-Os cook. And not just watching, we leer, like some sort of pervert; cursed with both a voyeurism and pasta fetish as the microwave either slowly fries our brain or gives us superpowers.

If you’re looking for a specific example of human stupidity, I’ll give you one, but first you gotta send me ten bucks. I don’t mean dollars either; I mean bucks, as in grown male deer. Anyway, I don’t much like talking about how stupid the world is as it forces me to ask myself “Why, if the world’s, so stupid, am I am I still struggling along and not rich yet?”

The Decision

Alright I figured it out. By tapping into my indecisive nature, I’ve managed to decide precisely what kind of a blogger I want to be. Answer (D) All of the above. Not all at once mind you. I’m going to adopt a rolling schedule probably in the order I’ve already listed as that will mean I’ve got less to think about. So that means today is Wacky Saturday. See? I totally shrugged off the whole alliteration thing I could have done by waiting till Wednesday. And if that’s not wacky I don’t know what is. So give me a moment to get into gear; it’s been a little bit since I’ve attempted surreal humor.

So… there was once a penguin on a fire hydrant… it was totally odd and out of place. People walking by were all like “Whoa… penguin on a fire hydrant… that’s weird.” Some of them suffered instant cardiac arrest from the shock and died screaming in agony. The survivors formed a lobbying group and petitioned congress for anti-penguin-on-fire-hydrant legislation. It was passed in both the house and senate by narrow margins, but not before three billion dollars in grants for Tabasco companies were attached. The aforementioned was done as a practical joke on a dyslexic tobacco lobbyist with poor hearing. Upon learning the good news the lobbyist liquidated all his assets and spent the money on a program to have “I’m the greatest lobbyist of all time” carved into the earth with giant space born lasers. He had only been able to pay .01% of the necessary cost before learning of his error. At which time he committed suicide by jumping into a pit of rabid wolverines.

Opening Remarks

I’ll start off my entrance into the blog world with the utterly unoriginal move of discussing what my blog is going to be about and why I felt the need to make it (answers: I don’t know and boredom). Seeing as I just wasted five minutes of my life trying to select a tolerable title and pseudonym, instead of thinking of a good subject for my first post, I might as well explain the damn things and make an entry out of ‘em. My pseudonym is the synonym of the homonym of the first syllable of my first name combined with the synonym of the homonym of the first syllable of my surname.

After going through that unnecessarily complicated procedure, all I had to do was name the blog. After wasting more time trying to come up with a witty title, the classic “Insert Witty Whatever Here,” line meandered into my mind and after thinking about it for a second I realized how much I hated the damn thing. It’s kind of an anti-witticism that mocks the witty only to highlight its own lack of wittiness creating some sort of Zen paradox that puts me in a trance for hours every time I see it.

So, that’s about all I have at the moment. For my next post, I’m going to try and decide what kind of blogger I want to be. Wacky, cranky-cynical-guy-that-talks-about-how-dumb-the-world-is-and-how-smart-I-am-to-know-this, reflective, philosophical, political, discussion of my hobbies, or merely in the style of a diary and assume my life is interesting enough for other people to read about.